Advice from long ago on a day of remembrance.

Many years before September 11, 2001, I was given the most wonderful advice by the most unlikely source. It was simple and to the point: “Do not worry about the evil, just concentrate on doing the good.”  That moment was transformational and still lives with me today.

So when you remember the events of 8 years ago, please take an additional moment and acknowledge all those that have been touched by violence. No matter how large or how small the acts, whether perpetrated en masse or individually and those that are documented but especially those that have been forgotten, please extend empathy.

Despite the current state of the planet, despite our collective history, I know that our legacy is not cruelty, callousness and brutality. It is concern, compassion and forgiveness. Hate begets hate. Violence begets violence. Vengeance begets vengeance. And love begets love. “Do not worry about the evil, just concentrate on doing the good.”

Are we worth remembering.

How is a society ultimately judged by history? One criteria is by the art left behind and how its most helpless, most insignificant members were treated. Think about the massive monuments created by the Egyptians and the stories of oppressive slavery. Or consider the Romans with their great architectural and engineering triumphs created in parallel with the persecution of Christians, Jews and other “barbarian” slaves.

How will we be remembered? As I write today, I am less concerned about our art and literature, however I am deeply concerned about how we so casually, rationally and systematically marginalize or even worse, ignore the weakest among us.

In 2009 America, the richest, most powerful, most free nation in the history of history, how many kids, no how many people go to bed hungry? How many people go to bed afraid of violence perpetrated inside the family and how many go to bed scared of the violence from without? How many live with not just the fear of getting sick but with the fear of not being able to get help?

Will we be remembered as a society that could have been more? That could been better but chose to turn a blind eye to mercy, empathy and caring for our own? A society that allowed the larger broader concepts of real justice and righteousness to be  institutionally obfuscated until the issues could be lacquered over or just swept away with the election cycle rhetoric?

It is usually really hard to look inward and be honest. It is often painful and upsetting. And the thought of it may be foreign and scary. But looking inward with an unbiased eye is essential to grow and become better.  To become something worth remembering. To create a society in which it is truly worth living.

Happy Birthday #1. How your birth changed my perceptions forever.

Today is #1′s birthday, so most importantly, Happy Birthday #1 -I love you very much and hope that you have a wonderful day!

Prior to his birth, being a parent was never real to me. Even though I watched my wife grow larger, saw the ultra-sounds, was with her when she went into premature labor and then sentenced to bed rest for 8 weeks, actually having a baby was more surrealistic than realistic. The entire concept was an abstraction, the scheduled Cesarean was a date marked on the calendar, a day when I would not go to work. A day with other events scheduled before and after. I was completely naive, selfish and simply unprepared for the remarkable ramifications that would unfold.

A little back story for those who don’t know me: growing up I could be characterized as difficult. I probably got into more trouble than the average kid. I could be mean, insensitive, aggressive and generally difficult. I gave my parents, my JHS teachers and peers a tough time. I was a bit more subdued while attending a private HS but some of the more wild traits re-emerged in college and beyond. By the time I met my wife and got married in late 80′s I was more “mature” but certainly still aggressive and prone to rage, especially when frustrated. My view of the world and overall philosophy could be characterized as zero sum or all or nothing. Your gain was my loss and my gain, well I didn’t really care about the ramifications of my gain. If you were not with me you were the enemy.

Back to August 17, 1994. While my wife was in the OR, I was outside, trying to get my scrubs on when the anesthesiologist burst out and rushed me inside. I saw my wife on the table and her insides were literally on a tray as the Ob/Gyn was extracting my son. He looked perfect, like a movie prop  (as all Cesarean babies are -they don’t get squeezed during delivery). My wife was fine and she held him. I was pretty scared to hold him, frankly more scared than each of the times when I was shot at, but I did it anyway. And I think that is when it hit me. That was when my life began to turn, when my anger, fear and aggression began to dissolve.

When I held my son I had an epiphany; I realized that everyone on this earth is some-one’s child. And that someone hopefully loves them as much as I loved this little boy. And further, they may even be some-one’s mother or father, they may be a person who loves their kids and is loved by their kids.

My perception was changed. I was changed. I was made more human by understanding our commonality. Black, White, Asian. Christian, Jew, Muslim. Male or female. It doesn’t matter, we were all born and we were all someone’s child. With that understanding, how can we not love and feel compassionate to each other?

Thank you #1, you and your brother have changed my life forever for the better. I do and will always love you both. I am forever grateful that you guys came into my life.

It is what it is.

Have you ever been so wrapped up in how you think the world “sees” someone close to you that you were embarrassed by them? Hold that feeling and take the emphasis off of you. Now shift the emphasis on them. How do you think they felt or would have felt, had they perceived that you were embarrassed? Would they be hurt? Would they feel betrayed. Now you really have something to be embarrassed about.

To frustrate or be frustrated?

Have you ever considered that when you find someone frustrating, they may be frustrated with you? Perhaps its root cause is a failure to articulate. Or possibly, a failure to understand. More than likely, it may just be a failure of actually listening, considering and extending empathy. As a culture, we place great value on our individuality and invest a lot of energy in being distinct, to the point that we may even delude ourselves. But in actuality, we are all more alike, both in form and function, than we are usually comfortable in admitting.

So the next time you feel frustration begin to build inside you, try asking yourself why you are frustrated. Is it an issue of articulation or comprehension? Or is it a polarization of thought, brought on by a lack of empathy. The truly honest and considered answer may surprise you.

thoughts and actions

Some believe that right action advances us to right thought. Others hold that the opposite is true; right thought brings about right action. In either case, the desired end result is achieving a state of both right thought and right action. Or to live a life, where one is more compassionate, more empathetic and more outwardly focused. And perhaps a life, where one is not so invested in an opinion such as the right way or the wrong way to actually live consciously, compassionately and with empathy.